Eric Karns

Last night I had the absolute weirdest dream. For some reason our family had to relocate my grandmother to an old, dilapidated retirement home in the city. I would visit my grandma all the time to the point where I started to hangout with the people who ran it… who just so happened to be some sort of Latino mafia. I know this because they were very violent and had an straight-off-the-boat Irish assasin after them with homemade bombs. Somehow I managed to thwart an assassination attempt by accidentally knocking over the mafia don, thus saving him from the shrapnel. It was at this point that I unwittingly became a ‘made man’ and was now a part of the mafia.

Now, early on in the dream I had been looking for a good pair of golf shoes at the Sports Authority but hadn’t found any that I liked. And as the dream went on, it became clear that all I had to do was find the perfect pair of golf shoes and somehow that would get me out of the mafia. So, I would periodically stop by the Sports Authority for the shoes but their supply was getting lower and lower. I knew it was the mafia keeping the shelves from being full in order to keep me in under their control.

My dad would stop by the retirement home from time to time in his grey pickup (circa 1990) and check-in with me to see if I’d made it out yet. But for some reason he was not fully aware of how desperate the situation was. I was also questioned by the FBI but couldn’t seem to tip them off at the right times. As my paranoia got worse at the prospect of the mafia finding out about my tips to the FBI I decided to start packin heat (as it were). Which only increased my paranoia.

By the time my alarm woke me up, I was in the process of helping my grandma find the perfect vampiress halloween costume and that was when the dream came to an abrupt end. Tune in to tonight’s episode to find out if I was able to find fully stocked Sports Authority shelves, find the shoes I’ve been waiting for and successfully remove my grandmother from the terrible retirement home.